Monday, September 22, 2008

I think I now know what Undercity smells like

This story is not WoW related.

It is however, a tale of an event among the top five nastiest things that's ever happened in my house. And I live in the House of Nasty, so that's sayin something.

This story pertains to this blog simply because I was doing a Scarlet Monastery boosting run with two real-life ladies (booya) when it happened, although the event itself has nothing to do with WoW.

As I said, not WoW related, but if you could smell what happened, you might have said "wow, that's nasty."

Our story involves a dog. Three dogs to be exact. Well, technically three dogs were present, but only two feature in this story. And to make the vaguely WoW-oriented connection to this story stronger, I was fighting Houndmaster Locksey on or about the time that the nastiness ensued, and he himself travels with three dogs.

But I don't think his dogs have ever done what I am about to describe. Or else we'd get a "Righteously Nasty" debuff as we entered the general vicinity of the boss.

Wanna get grossed out?

Big time?

Then read on.

Just remember later...I warned you to leave. Go!

Ah, you stayed. I see you think you have a strong stomach. L.O.-mutha-f'ing-L. I thought I did, too.

We start with a little non-gross background before we lead in with the nastiness....

Imagine you are a tiny little Yellow Lab puppy.

Little fuzzball. Soft feet slipping on smooth floors as you try to scamper about turning corners chasing a bouncy ball. Wrestling with your brothers and sisters, and generally doing cute puppy things all day long. Fighting for position to get a drink of mama dog's milk.

And then the time comes for you and your brothers and sisters to all find happy new homes who will love and care for you. So you get to say bye bye to your litter-mates and head on out with your new family. No more mama dog's milk.

Supposedly there's a timeframe that is best to wean the pup off of of nursing. Nurse for too long and the dog will have issues taking to solid dog food. Teat-block the pup too early, and an interesting habit can form.

I've no idea what is going on inside the pup's head, but as it would turn out, dogs that wean too early often eat dog poo.

There, I said it. They eat dog poo.

What's that you say? Gross? Awwww, come on. With all those warnings and build-up? And all you've got for me is "they eat poo"? You suck!

Oh, no, my friend. Do read on.

Enough background. Fastforward a few years from your premature weaning, and you're now a happy pup. Who perhaps carries some baggage from your youthful trauma. And you're watching as some people play WoW.

So I'm happily getting boosted through Scarlet Monastery. Lots of XP, lots of loot, lots of fun watching mobs get one-shot.

Then something smells funny IRL.

Yuck. One of the dogs farted. With three dogs and three people in the house, there's rarely a truly fart-free moment, but this one was especially stinky.

As with any encounter with gas, you smell it, then you pretty much cant help but laugh, because, I mean really, its a fart. They're funny. Then you realize it smells nasty and you stop laughing. Then the smell dissipates, and you laugh again, because they're funny and you no longer have a nasty smell assaulting your senses.

The cycle is as reliable as the tides in the ocean.

But this one was lingering a bit too long for the laughter to return.

And smells righteous. No run of the mill toot.

After an unreasonably long linger, I turn around and take a look at the dogs to make sure everything's alright.

And low and behold, Mr. I-Eat-Poo apparently found a tasty treat in the backyard, ate it, came inside, got a sick stomach and barfed on the floor.

Partially digested poo. Inside my house.

The smell is indescribable. Actually, it smells pretty much exactly like what you'd think it smells like. Only more so. And the gag reflex it induces is powerful.

Back in my days in the volunteer fire service, I've walked into rooms that have had decaying deceased human remains in them for up to two weeks. That smells like flowers compared to this. Sweet, sweet roses.

But it gets better, folks. Remember, I told you to leave earlier. You chose to stay.

To add to the unbelievable desire to wretch my guts out from the nastiness, as I walk over to the pile to clean it up, one of the other dogs trots over to the mess, and begins to chow down.

I sh1t you not.

I mean, eating poo? That's completely normal (no its not, but for the sake of this story, pretend it is).

But eating poo vomit? That's down right nasty.

So I light candles, burn matches, spray half a can of lysol. Take my shirt off and tie it around my face in a make-shift gas mask.

Nothing cuts through this smell.


I get it cleaned up, and try to burn my nostrils out so that I can never smell something like this again.

Back to Scarlet Monastery.

And what do I hear?

The splash of a new pile of barf hitting the floor. And, since I only heard it happen, and didn't see first-hand, I'm not sure if it was Mr. I-Eat-Poo, or Ms. I-Eat-Poo-Barf who threw this new pile.

Shirley, you must be kidding me.

Clean it up. Back to the WoW.

Splash. Number three.

I don't think there's enough therapy on this planet to take this smell out of my memory.

Thank g0d friday is garbage day because I'd have to burn the house down if these triple bagged sacs of trash stayed around for even a moment longer.

Hey, I warned you. Down right nasty.

1 comment:

Saresa said...

Oh wow, I don't think I giggled so much in DAYS. I know I shouldn't laugh, and that would be truly revolting... but my goodness it was funny!